Articles in the Best Line of the Day Category
“But by now, we know how the Obama administration deals with those who would destroy it: it goes straight for the capillaries.”
“Have we all paid for our sins for the wardrobe malfunction in 2004?”
Toni Monkovic, The Fifth Down Blog.
McCartney (62), The Rolling Stones (Jagger and Richards were 62), Prince, Tom Petty (48), Bruce Springsteen (59), Half of The Who (64 and 65). Can’t we have someone younger? How about a marching band just for a change of pace?
But not Carrie Underwood who sang the single worst rendition of the “Star Spangled Banner” ever.
“I’m sure when Peyton Manning was growing up he always wanted to throw the TD pass that gave the Saints a Super Bowl win.
“Now he has.”
ESPN the Magazine’s Jorge Arangure quoted by Josh Levin – Slate Magazine. The pass he’s talking about is, of course, the interception by the Saints Tracy Porter.
“Tracy Porter: In the span of just three Sundays, the man has permanently blemished two of the greatest careers in football history. Do not cross him.”
Porter intercepted Favre and Manning.
TOKYO (The Borowitz Report) – Embattled automaker Toyota today said that despite problems with accelerators and brakes, the cup holders on its most popular car models were “perfectly safe to use.”
“You know who’s having a good week?
“Honda.”
Jill
“He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.”
“If he was any stupider, he’d have to be watered once a day.”
Ms. Ivins died three years ago yesterday.
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
First posted three years ago today.
“I believe in the Church of Baseball. I’ve tried all the major religions, and most of the minor ones. I’ve worshipped Buddha, Allah, Brahma, Vishnu, Siva, trees, mushrooms, and Isadora Duncan. I know things. For instance, there are 108 beads in a Catholic rosary and there are 108 stitches in a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. . . .”
Annie Savoy
Pitchers and catchers begin reporting in two weeks.
“I am sure I will continue my unbroken streak of mindless devotion to Apple and find a way to love the iPad, no matter how expensive and unnecessary it is.”
Sasha Frere-Jones, The New Yorker
Me too.
“Adam from Bonanza has died. And if you know who Adam from Bonanza was, you’re probably not doing too well yourself.”
“Wildcat Rep. Alan Grayson has introduced a new bill that would tax corporate political donations at the eye-popping rate of 500%. The bill is called the ‘Business Should Mind Its Own Business Act.’ ”
From a 1977 Johnny Carson monologue —
August 4th: President Carter has recommended that it should not be a criminal offense to be found in possession of an ounce or less of marijuana.
CARSON: The trouble is that nobody in our band knows what an ounce or less means.
DOC SEVERINSEN: It means you’re about out.
First posted here five years ago today, two days after Carson’s death at age 79.
“Osama bin Laden released his first new audiotaped message in over a year. While there is some new material in the message, insiders say it’s mostly a Greatest Threats collection. A White House spokesman says they plan to check out the message in its entirety, but they’re too busy listening to your phone calls.”
— Tina Fey
From this date in 2006. Not much has changed.
… that he seems to have forgotten in the year since he said it.
“I won.”
President Obama after listening to Republican gripes about his stimulus package, as reported by Politico.com.
“During his acceptance speech Tuesday, newly elected Senator Scott Brown told the crowd that two of his older daughters are both available. Man, so many great American speeches, right? ‘Four score and seven years ago,’ ‘Ask not what your country can do for you,’ ‘I have a dream’, and now, ‘My daughters are both available.’
Jimmy Fallon
“NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I’d like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week. President Barack Obama, the pope, the queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley, was stopping by.”
Conan O’Brien
“It’s hard to believe President Obama has now been in office for a year. And you know, it’s incredible. He took something that was in terrible, terrible shape, and he brought it back from the brink of disaster. The Republican Party.”
Jay Leno
Runner-up best line:
“Erroll Southers, Obama’s pick to head the T.S.A., withdrew his name because he performed an illegal background check on his ex-wife’s boyfriend. Still, that’s an improvement from the T.S.A.’s normal procedure — not performing background checks.”
Jimmy Fallon
“The White House has launched an iPhone App. It looks promising but will probably disappoint.”